Ep. 411 The Four Things That Matter Most with Dr. Ira Byock

Learn about a powerful book that has been helping people heal their relationships at the end of life for almost 20 years.

My special guest Dr. Ira Byock is a leading palliative care physician, author, and public advocate for improving care through the end of life. We discuss his seminal book The Four Things That Matter Most: A Book About Living, which will reach its 20th anniversary next year. Each time I’ve interviewed Dr. Byock in the past I’ve received numerous messages from listeners letting me know how influential this book has been in their work. So it’s time we talked about all the wisdom it contains. Learn more about Dr. Byock’s work and all of his books at his website:

http://www.irabyock.org

Get the book here

Watch on YouTube

Listen here:

This episode includes:

• What inspired Dr. Byock to write the book
• What “the four things” are (and why there used to be 5 things)
• Why it makes a difference to simply say these four things
• The importance of forgiveness at the end of life and why people shouldn’t wait until their deathbed to practice it
• How to use “the four things” if your loved one has already died
• What to do when you need to make peace with a loved one with dementia
• How the lessons from this book have made a difference to Dr. Byock

Links mentioned in this episode:

• Blog: How Virtual Reality Transformed My Ordinary Reality
• Sign up for aNUma’s Clear Light Program here: https://anuma.com/trial
• Previous episode with Gregory Roufa and Lama Karma from aNUma: Episode 389
• Get the reader’s guide for The Four Things That Matter Most here
• Get EOLU Podcast Merch here
• Conversations on Death with ChatGPT – Audiobook here; Print Book here
• Leave me a message by email: kwyattmd@comcast.net, Twitter, Facebook or Instagram
• Support your local bookstore by buying my books on Bookshop and Indiebound: 7 Lessons for Living from the Dying and The Journey from Ego to Soul
• Subscribe to this podcast on Apple, Google, Spotify, iHeart Radio, Stitcher Radio
• Check out the Series I’ve recorded in the past here
• Join the team at Patreon.com/eolu and receive free gifts like the “Mind if we talk about death?” mini-poster or Love Your Life sticker or coffee mug. PLUS get our regular bonuses: the monthly EOL News Update, occasional movie reviews from 2 Doctors and a Movie, and automatic access to A Year of Reading Dangerously!
• Buy me a coffee
• Donate on Paypal

If you enjoy this content please share it with others and consider leaving a review on iTunes. Thanks again to all supporters on my page at Patreon.com/eolu, especially Kelly Bean for increasing your pledge, and to Madeleine for buying me 5 coffees! Your contributions make all the difference and ensure this podcast stays ad-free.

Ep. 231 How to Prepare for the Unimaginable as a Death-Aware Person

Learn what steps you can take now to be ready for whatever life brings you in the future.

NOTE: This episode is dedicated to the memory of Kobe and Gianna Bryant and 7 others who died in a helicopter crash on the morning of January 26th – an unimaginable tragedy.

In this solo episode I share my thoughts on ways we might begin now to prepare ourselves for the inevitable challenges of life–when disaster strikes and death comes for those we love. Though we can never be fully prepared for the uncertainties of life there are things we can do to increase our resilience and improve our chances of surviving “the unimaginable.”

Listen here:

This episode includes:

• What to include in a “Go Bag” for sudden crises when there’s no time to spare
• Recommended books for your “Go Bag”
  • Sacred Dying by Megory Anderson
  • Vigil: The Poetry of Presence by Pamela Heinrich MacPherson
  • Present Through the End by Kirsten DeLeo
  • Home Funeral Ceremonies by Donna Belk and Kateyanne Unullisi
  • The Tao of Death by Karen Wyatt
  • Safe Passage by Molly Fumia
• Soothing music for difficult times
  • Graceful Passages by Gary Malkin and Michael Stillwater
  • Rosa Mystica by Therese Schroeder-Sheker
  • Threshold Choir Music
• Where to get Green Burial Wash for a bathing ritual after the death of a loved one
• The inner work that is necessary to strengthen your “boat” to carry you through the unimaginable
• Why you need to learn to be alone with your thoughts and emotions
• The importance of a forgiveness practice as you prepare for future challenges
• The “Five Remembrances” Meditation from Thich Nhat Hahn

There are moments that the words don’t reach

There is suffering too terrible to name …

We push away what we can never understand

We push away the unimaginable

From “HAMILTON”

Related episodes:

• What to do When Tragedy Strikes
• The Thorn and the Rose: Pain as a Portal for Grace
• Why It’s Good to be Mortal

Join the team at Patreon.com/eolu and get access to the EOLU mug: “Mind if we talk about death?” (only Patrons can purchase it). PLUS get our new bonuses: the monthly EOL News Update, movie reviews from 2 Doctors and a Movie, and automatic access to A Year of Reading Dangerously! Thanks again to all supporters on my page at Patreon.com/eolu, your contributions make all the difference!

If you enjoy this content please share it with others and consider leaving a review on iTunes!

Ep. 212 The Dance of Life and Death – Part 4: Grace

Learn how to cultivate grace in both life and death. 

In this 4-part series of solo episodes I’m sharing wisdom about the intertwining of life and death in a perfect dance that spirals throughout eternity. Today I talk about grace, which is an essential element of any dance. Learn how the many different of meanings of grace apply to both life and death and discover a daily practice that can help us prepare for the end of life with ease and dignity.  These thoughts are derived from my book: What Really Matters: 7 Lessons for Living from the Stories of the Dying.

Get the book here.

Get the handout here:

GRACE

Listen here:

 

This episode includes:

• The many definitions of “grace”
• That grace is always given freely, not earned or deserved
• How grace “finds us” during our darkest times of brokenness
• Forgiveness as an act of grace
• How I want to live and die with grace and gentleness
• A daily practice to cultivate grace:
  • G – Gratitude
  • R – Release
  • A – Awareness
  • C – Compassion
  • E – Equanimity

I do not understand the mystery of grace – only that it meets us where we are and does not leave us where it found us.

-Anne Lamott

Links mentioned in this episode:

• The Dance of Life and Death: Parts 1, 2, and 3
• Podcast on Compassion
• Handout for this episode: GRACE
• Beautiful Dying Expo – November 2, 2019, San Diego CA
• Before I Die Arizona – October 29 – November 3, Scottsdale AZ
• Spirituality and Chronic Illness Course
• Join the team at Patreon.com/eolu and get access to the EOLU mug: “Mind if we talk about death?” (only Patrons can purchase it)

If you enjoy this content please share it with others and consider leaving a review on iTunes! Thanks again to all supporters on Patreon.com/eolu, especially my new supporters Hilary G. and Debi Schauss, your contributions mean  everything to me!

Ep. 189 How to Move Beyond Outrage and Forgive Everything

Learn the importance of forgiveness for moving forward in society, personal life, and spiritual growth.

In Part 5 of the Mortal Wisdom Series I’ll discuss why Forgiveness is an especially important skill to learn in the midst of our culture of constant outrage. We cannot solve today’s problems unless we learn how to lay down the bitterness and resentment that keep our energy stuck in the past. These are the lessons we can learn from our mortality and how to thrive in life while knowing that death awaits. Listen to Parts 1, 2, 3  and 4 first if you haven’t heard them yet!

Listen here:

 

This episode includes:

• Why there is so much outrage in our society today
• Why we need to remember our interconnectedness and interdependence in order to solve the problems we are facing
• How hospice patients focus on forgiveness as they face the end of life
• How forgiveness benefits health, relationships and spiritual growth
• Why forgiveness should be an intentional, daily practice
• Tools for practicing forgiveness
  • Journaling
  • the “4-View” Process for forgiveness
  • Ho’oponopono

Forgiveness is the fragrance a flower gives when it is crushed.

-Anonymous

Links mentioned in this episode:

• A Year of Reading Dangerously online reading group
• Spiritual Journeys in Chronic Illness Course
• Beautiful Dying Expo – Nov. 2-3, 2019 – San Diego CA
• Mortal Wisdom Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, and Part 4
• Join the team at Patreon.com/eolu and get access to the new EOLU mug (only Patrons can purchase it)!

If you enjoy this content please share it with others and consider leaving a review on iTunes! Thanks again to all supporters on Patreon.com/eolu, especially my new Patrons, Mary Ellen Shea and Jan Wessell and to Licha Kelley-King for upping your pledge!

Ep. 137 Why You Should Forgive Now Rather Than On Your Deathbed

Learn why and how to start a forgiveness practice now instead of waiting until your last days.

In this episode I share my thoughts about the importance of forgiveness and why you shouldn’t wait until the end of life to start practicing it. I’ve been working on it all my adult life and I can guarantee you it’s a worthwhile endeavor!

Read the companion blog here.

Download the Forgiveness Tool Kit.

ANNOUNCEMENTS:

For the month of April I’m hosting the 10-day S.M.A.R.T. Decisions Challenge to help you get your advance directives completed in honor of National Healthcare Decisions Day. You’ll be guided step-by-step to figure out what really matters to you so that you can utilize that information as you fill out your living will and healthcare proxy forms. Sign up here.

 

If you are interested in teaching a death and dying class at some point in the future you can download the Teaching Guidelines here! When you sign up you’ll be on the mailing list to learn about the upcoming Work Group and Mastermind for death and dying teachers!

Get the Guidelines here.

FEATURE PRESENTATION:

Many of my hospice patients have been concerned about practicing forgiveness before they died. I sat with them at their bedsides as they struggled to let go of their anger and bitterness so that they could die in peace.

But I learned that it is possible to start the process of forgiveness now so that the task will be much easier at the end of life. Here are some of the mindset shifts I’ve found are helpful as you learn to forgive (listen to the episode to hear the details):

• Life is a classroom – you can learn from any experience
• You are not entitled to a life free from difficulties
• The past no longer exists except in your memory where you keep negative events alive
• It’s not your job to punish those who have harmed you (and trying to do that just hurts you even more)
• You can make yourself whole again without getting an apology
• The 4-View Forgiveness can help you get a broader perspective on past events
• Simple rituals can help you let go of the past

Get the Forgiveness Tool Kit to learn more about strategies for practicing forgiveness on a daily basis so that you will be free of the burden of resentment at the end of life. Sign up for the kit here.

Tune in every Monday for a new episode! Leave a review on iTunes if you like this content (it really makes a difference) and go to Patreon.com/eolu if you’d like to become a supporter!

Until next week remember …

Face Your Fear            BE Ready            Love Your Life